Weight for it...

Something I've always struggled with is my weight. I must have been in fourth grade when I first noticed that I was fatter than the other kids. I've never forgotten the feeling I got when I noticed that, while my legs were rolling over the sides of the small Christian school desk seat, the other girls' were perfectly centered. It wasn't long after, that the boys, fat as they were, started to notice that I was different, too, and made fun of me, in their oh so Christian ways. Other than for a short time, where I was close to dying from Crohn's Disease, I've never been skinny. Even then, I was a size 8, the smallest I've ever been, in my adult life. I still thought I was fat. And no matter what I do, I can't be that "fat" again.
I once had someone ask me if I thought part of my body issues had to do with being a fan of "tiny people." Because, let's face it, the closest star to me, in size, is Marie Dressler. I quickly said no, and dismissed the idea as nonsense, but it's a question that lingers with me. Do I look at Jeanette MacDonald and wish I could be that size? Well, sure I do. Kathryn Grayson? Of course. Mary Astor? Hell yes. But that doesn't bother me at all. The fact that "my girls" were perfection doesn't affect how I connect with them. I know what they went through, too. I know that Jeanette hated her figure. I know Kathryn struggled with her own weight, and was made fun of by that troll of a human worm baby, Donald O'Connor, later in life. I know that Mary had costumers tell her that her hips were impossible, and not in a good way. The fact that they were today's sizes 0-4 means nothing to me. It's just a feeling that I get that my girls weren't superficial, and I can readily ignore the fact that young Jeanette thought ugly people were mean. It's a fact I know about Kathryn Grayson, who allowed me to be a part of her "family," for the last 10 years of her life. She didn't look at me and say, "ew, get it away from me."
I recently had a birthday party, and invited one of my childhood best friends, who grew up to be a very beautiful and petite woman. I also invited a few guy friends. Guess who got the attention. It certainly wasn't the birthday girl. So please, don't bother to wonder. It's not the people I aspire to be like that make me feel hideous. It's the people that ask silly questions like that, that do.